Did you hear about the two psychiatrists who passed each other on a walk? One said to the other, "You're fine, How am I?"
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“Doctor, I keep seeing an insect buzzing around me.” “Don’t worry; that’s just a bug that’s going around.”
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
A lady sitting in the dentist chair told the dentist, "I would rather go through the pain of child birth than have you drill in my mouth." The dentist replied, "Well, you had better make up your mind so I can adjust my chair."
A doctor reaches into his smock to get a pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer. "Oh, damn it," he proclaims, "Some asshole has my pen!"
A guy is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting seasick. The doctor suggests, ''Eat two pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock.'' The guy replies, ''Will that keep me from getting sick, Doc?'' The doctor says, "No, but it'll look really pretty in the water.''
“Visit me for three days a week at $300 a visit, and you’ll be cured,” the psychiatrist assures him. The price tag is a little rich for the patient, so he says he’ll think about it. Six months later, the two meet on the street. “Why didn’t you come to see me about those fears you were having?” asks the psychiatrist. “Because a bartender cured me for only $10.” “How?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”
A poodle and a collie are walking down the street when the poodle suddenly unloads on his friend. “My life is a mess,” he says. “My owner is mean, my girlfriend’s having an affair with a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.”
“Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist,” suggests the collie.
“I can’t,” says the poodle. “I’m not allowed on the couch.”
Two doctors are on a golf course at the tenth hole. One of them looks up in the trees and sees an owl asleep on a branch. One doctor says to the other, "I'll bet you $100 I can give that owl a vasectomy and that owl won't even wake up." The other doctor says, "You've got a bet." The first doctor climbs up the tree, does the operation, and comes down from the tree. The owl never wakes up. The second doctor, not to be outdone, says, "I bet you the same that I can give that owl a tonsillectomy and he won't wake up." The second doctor climbs up the tree, does his operation, and the owl never wakes up. An hour later, the owl wakes up, flies to another tree, sees another owl and tells him, "Whatever you do, don't fall asleep in that tree by the tenth hole, because when I woke up after a nap, I couldn't hoot worth a fuck or fuck worth a hoot!"